The other day I had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine about loneliness and life and it got me thinking about my time in college and the transition into “adult” life. Before I moved to Austin I was beyond social. I had a large group of friends that I spent nearly every moment with. When I moved however, this changed drastically. My plans dwindled down and my old youth pastor told me I needed to learn how to be alone. I was so mad when she told me this. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted tons of friends and a boyfriend and to be constantly busy. That is not how things turned out though.

Fast forward three years later to my final semester at UT. I had a smaller group of friends and majority of us didn’t live in the same town. I stayed home a lot, learned to love reading, binge watched Netflix a lot, and made plans for the future. Lots of plans.

The joy in my life, that brought me daily happiness, were things that I was looking forward to. Graduation, London, and the “dream” job were constantly on my mind and the topics of my discussions.

June 19, 2014 I returned home from England. Graduation was over. My trip was done. And the “dream” job didn’t happen. I went into my bedroom back in my hometown curled up with my England sweatshirt and stayed there and sulked for a week.

When I returned back to Austin and started my new job I was in a very dark place. I was beyond lonely again. I lived alone now and I missed my roommate like crazy (and I still do). My group of friends were all starting their new and exciting lives, and I felt like I was just trying to get through the day.

One night I was laying on my couch and after hearing some wise counsel from one of my best friends on all the good things in my life, I decided to make a change. I decided I was going to date myself.

I know what you’re thinking… “what a strange statement”, but it is so accurate for me and my place in life. I was so focused on not being alone, finding a boyfriend, and making a new group of friends for so long that I knew something had to change. So for the past six months I have been through this journey and here is what I have learned so far.

1. My Time Is Precious

My time is beyond precious. Why spend my time doing things I don’t enjoy or that bring no value to my life? It is pointless. I now am very intentional with my time. I take time to call my friends more, not text. I call my parents significantly more than I used to and work on building a better relationship with them. I may not have 50+ friends but the ones I have are the most wonderful people in the world and I like spending my time loving them well and becoming closer.

2. Find Joy Daily

2014 was easily the best/worst year of my life. So many highs because of graduation and London and one major crashing low point in my life when that was all gone. That was the problem though. I poured all my joy into those things. I needed to find what brings me joy daily and so I did. I discovered that my first cup of coffee each day is something I cherish. I started to cook again, something that soothes me. I started writing poetry again, almost every night. I spent hours on Spotify researching musicians and falling in love with music I have never heard before. I created moments in the day that I looked forward to and that helped me find something positive each day, even if the day was not great because of work or some other situation.

3. Find Your Happy Place 

I have a few places I consider my “happy place.” I love coffee shops. A new hobby of mine is trying new coffee shops in ATX and sharing my experience. It is great and fun and something I can usually bring a friend along. I fortunately live on the lake in ATX and my favorite chair by the water is a place where I feel at peace. Nordstrom is my other happy place…but since my self control is lacking I save it for special occasions now, otherwise I will be broke…

4. Stop Comparing

Majority of my friends are in pretty serious relationships, and two of them are getting married in the next few months. I constantly compared myself to them and their lives. Questioning what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t find someone like they had. Striving for the happiness I saw they had, but that just made me extremely unhappy. I do want someone to love, but I realized I have that. No it is not the same romantic love, but I was learning to love myself in this time alone and I will never get this time back. If I ever do find someone I feel like I will be able to love him better because I learned to love myself and others well and without this time alone I feel like I wouldn’t be the person who I am now.

5. Make Goals/Plans – But Don’t Let Them Control You

I am a very goal oriented person. I love making plans and I have lists for days. I have dreams of living in London and writing for bands. Plans to travel the world (whenever that becomes free or I make more money..which ever comes first). There is nothing wrong with having goals and dreams, but I learned that I had to let them stop determining my happiness. Things don’t always work out. That is life. So I don’t let those things rule me anymore, but instead let them push me to stay motivated and inspired. It is different and has made me appreciate things so much more, even when things fail.

Above all, I learned that it is okay to be alone. My life is not anywhere close to perfect. I don’t have it all figured out. I can always love others better and I have my days where I still wish things looked different, but not as frequently. I am grateful for this time with me, myself, and I. And when I go out on a Friday night and request a table for one, I no longer feel shame. Love others, love your life, and love yourself. And if you are single like me, date yourself and go on a journey of self discovery.

With Love From Me to You,

Nichole XO